The Journey

I called this entry "The Journey" first because I have a layout to post that I did for week 4's Scrapbooking Journey assignment that we're doing on the message board. But I also called it for other reasons...for what I feel like we're going through right now around here...it's a journey...and for some reason it's been an uphill climb...right now, though, it's almost an unbearable journey, traversing over impossible to cross terrain carrying our entire existence and all that is in it on our backs. At some point you have to say enough is enough...what am I doing wrong? What is it that I'm supposed to change? What am I supposed to be learning from this lesson? How can I lighten the load and make it bearable again? Frank has spent 2 of the last 4 days in the Emergency Room at the VA hospital. They still don't know what's wrong...he will be out of work at least until August 2nd. Those of you who know the car business know that being out of work for 10 days is financial suicide to a budget that was already struggling and barely keeping it above the waterline. What can I do to change it? Nothing. Pray that his condition is not serious...that surgery is not required and that it has a quick fix. It seems I'l always praying for something to be easier than worse these days...the air conditioner breaking in 103 degree heat, etc. At some point you have to look and say "how much can we take?" How much can one man take? Frank works so hard all the time...he comes home exhausted and worn out and still gives 110%...he doesn't have a selfish bone in his body...it's just so hard to keep going on and on and have no end in sight to the struggle and now this? What are we being taught? That he's working too hard and too much and needs to slow it down? Sometimes I want to throw up my hands and shrug my shoulders, and go back to bed.

At what point does it change back to how it was before the economy tanked? (I won't even go into my thoughts on why or about the "change" we've seen...that's another conversation and my Obama-supporting friends and I have agreed to disagree on that sore subject...love you, J (LOL!)). So what does it all mean? Does it mean we are supposed to change something? Change where we live? This confuses me because I really thought we were led to this house...there was no way we would have ever found this place without divine intervention...maybe it was for a season? It's not as if I would have picked this house in the first place...it was just the situation at the moment and the opportunity that presented itself at the time...change how we live? (been there, done that...we've stripped it down to basics) I just want to look up to the heavens and scream, "OK...YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION...WHAT?!?!" (although if my child said that to me she'd be in big trouble...) The only thing I know for sure is true right now is John 16:33 "In this world you will have trouble." (NIV)

This definitely changes my perspective on the bs and crap that some other people in my life have been dishing out...other relatives that have done nothing but inflict pain and destruction for our entire lives (both Frank & I have these people in our life)...I'm like "WHATEVER" and so over their psychosis of inflicting pain that I'm not sure I even care what they do or say anymore. My immediate family is my utmost concern and those that are bent on causing pain and destruction and division can stay in their little lives and cause their own pain and wrec their own havoc because I don't have the energy or time to give them.

I had a friend from high school contact me recently. It was so cool to chat with her and as I was doing so I was reflecting back on "me" then. I don't even feel like I'm the same person. Maybe I am...my flesh is just more "lived in", but really mentally, I don't feel anything like I did then. It's amazing because I feel like I blinked and I'm over 40. Having younger kids is both a good and a bad thing...I am more equipped to handle them in one respect...my reactions aren't borne out of immaturity and chance based upon my current mood, but I remember back one of the girls in our class had "old parents". OMG-my daughter is one of those girls! She has "old parents"! But I don't feel "old"...I feel like I did when I was 20 something, although right now I'm older than my parents where when I graduated from high school. (Thank goodness for Emma that she skipped a grade...maybe she needs to skip one or two more to move the difference closer...lol!) At this rate I'll be 53 when she graduates from high school. Oye vey!